


The Misadventures of Ham-i-let and Romeo

by iamdeadhoratio, imnotagracefulpoet



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare, Romeo And Juliet - Shakespeare
Genre: "tis the east and ham-i-let is the sun", Balcony Scene, Kinda, M/M, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, hamlet got that fine ass, please don't read this, romeo has a personality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 08:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17864150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamdeadhoratio/pseuds/iamdeadhoratio, https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotagracefulpoet/pseuds/imnotagracefulpoet
Summary: "A dammed saint, an honourable villain!O nature, what hadst thou to do in hellwhen thou didst bower the spirit of a fiendIn the mortal paradise of such sweet flesh?"





	The Misadventures of Ham-i-let and Romeo

**Author's Note:**

> Kore - Seriously this is pure crack written for an english project we did in freshman year. Read at your own risk. (We obviously peaked in freshman year)  
> Grace - We're not responsible for any damage, whether it be emotional or mental, that this work may cause.  
> *The majority of this work was taken from Willy Shakes himself, including lines pulled from Hamlet, Romeo and Juliet, and Much Ado About Nothing...there's probably more but um we're too lazy to list all of them. Assume it is 98.6% plagiarized.*

HAMLET _(conflicted and exasperated)_

“O serpent heart hid with a flowering face!

Did ever a dragon keep so fair a cave?

Beautiful tyrant, fiend angelical,

dove feather'd raven, wolvish-ravening lamb!

Despised substance of devinest show,

just opposite to what thou justly seemest -

A dammed saint, an honourable villain!

O nature, what hadst thou to do in hell

when thou didst bower the spirit of a fiend

In the mortal paradise of such sweet flesh?

Was ever a book containing such vile matter

so fairly bound?  O, that deceit should dwell

in such a gorgeous palace. There’s no trust,

no faith, no honesty - it’s all perjured,

all forsworn, all naught, all dissembled.

What a piece of work is a man, though

there's a divinity that shapes our ends,

rough-hew them how we will.

Give me that man that is not passion's slave,

and I will wear him in my heart's core,

in my heart of heart. Yet in my heart

there is a different kind of fighting

that will not let me sleep, for these violent delights

have violent ends. Look now, the beauteous

moon in all its glory shines upon us,

the light of which is not unlike Ophelia’s fair glow.

But will what I confess have any meaning

while done under the shining moon?

For the moon is awfully inconsistent,

much like a woman’s love.

No, I will hold my tongue till morn

lest the devil hear and think my thoughts the same.

Resume morrow I shall, under the blaze of the midday sun,

Where I may utter the name of thee

who resembles it so closely one may

indeed think they are one and the same.

Now stars, hide your fires;

Let not your light see my black and deep desires.”

 

_ROMEO enters the scene by popping his head through HAMLET’S open window._

 

ROMEO

“If you will not allow the stars to see,

then why not let me, Lord Hamlet?”

 

HAMLET _(surprised)_

“How did thou make thy way here? There art

guards at every corner!”

 

ROMEO

“I simply climbed up the castle vines, my lord.”

 

_ROMEO climbs through the window to stand in HAMLET’S room._

 

HAMLET

“ _Aside: Ha, the castle seems no more to me_

_than an unweeded garden that grows to seed-_

No matter, you are here now, but the question

remains of why I should explain myself.”

 

ROMEO

“I do not wish for you to explain, only

to understand that I have felt the same,

but also know that our doubts are traitors,

Lord Hamlet, and make us lose the good

we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.”

 

HAMLET

“Why should I take thy advice then,

I’ll have you know that there are more things

in Heaven and in Earth, Romeo,

than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

 

ROMEO  

“Because we are alike you and I - I

am also a man in love.”

 

HAMLET

“But are men any better, for we do

not love with our mind but with our eyes.”

 

 

ROMEO _(with amusement)_

“Oh so pessimistic about love,

and so wrong I am afraid to say.

Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind,

and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

 

HAMLET

“Well what can thou declare about love,

considering our predicament?”

 

ROMEO

“I have seen many a thing that would be

frowned upon by the church and state, yet in

many cases that which is shown to bring

happiness is looked down upon by our rulers.

Hast thou been to the lovely city of

Florence before?"

 

HAMLET

“No, I am afraid I have never

had any reason to, what do my travels have

to do with the matter at hand?”

 

ROMEO

“It isn’t so much your travels as the city itself.

You see Florence condoned many actions

that the Catholic church and the state of Denmark

would most certainly find unlawful,

including the practice of sodomy.

In Florence, men and women were indeed

allowed to have partners of the same sex.

I tell you, I have never seen a

city, nor met a people, so lively.

Sadly those times of joy did not

last for very long, the officers of

the night were then formed, were being formed

perhaps even during my visit!

They busted into houses and spit upon couples,

then dragged them, the majority still unclothed,

for all the city to see. Many were

charged with sodomy, many were convicted.

Outrageous! Put to death for something so private.”

 

HAMLET

“It is not private if He can see it,

and He possesses the capability

to see and hear everything, therefore

nothing is private-”

 

ROMEO _(forcefully)_

“And what of thy thoughts, they are neither

seen nor heard-”

 

HAMLET

“We are not discussing the matter of

my thoughts, we were speaking of the practice

of sodomy in Florence.”

 

ROMEO

“But weren’t they exactly what started

us on this parallel? Why dost thou hide

thy conflictions and internalize thy

burdens, my lord?”

 

HAMLET _(bitterly)_

“Because I do not want to end up like

those Florentine lovers, dragged and beaten

for a mere kiss on thy cheek.”

 

ROMEO

“So thou dost not object to the action,

but only the consequences it could conjure?”

 

HAMLET _(hurriedly)_

“I beg thy pardon? I fear thou art

putting words into my mouth, I do not

condone sodomy in any way, nor

do I condone thine amorous behavior,

I bid thee leave me now.”

 

ROMEO

“Good sir I must refuse, not until I

catch just one more glimpse of what lies beneath

thy facade. Do not try to hide thine thoughts

from me, I can see right through your masks.

Though I do not blame thy thoughts.”

 

HAMLET

“I should have thou beheaded for that comment.”

 

ROMEO

“Which head, my lord?”

 

HAMLET

“Both if thou dost not take thy leave this instant.”

 

ROMEO

“It’s understandable that thou would

not want to soil thy own sheets, but that

aside, I shall leave thee to rest now with

thy sheets unsoiled. However, I can

not promise they will stay that way for

long my good sir.”

 

_HAMLET shoves ROMEO towards the window from which he entered._

 

ROMEO

“Did my words spur you into action, pretty boy?”

 

HAMLET

“You speak an infinite amount of nothing,

pretty boy. You should take leave the same way

that you came, it would arouse suspicion

otherwise.”

 

ROMEO

“I do agree, though I have to say you

flatter me, my lord. However I do

have a name, if you would so care to

refer to it.”

 

HAMLET

“Most certainly, ‘tis ‘a royal pain in my ass.’ ”

 

ROMEO

“Ha, if only I were indeed a royal,

what a glorious life I could live!”

 

HAMLET

“Trust me, expectation is the root of

all heartache. Make haste now, or thou risks

being caught.”

 

_ROMEO moves his way down the vines, pausing a moment to look up and see HAMLET staring down at him. ROMEO leans in, a final attempt of sorts, only for HAMLET to press his fingers against ROMEO’S lips._

HAMLET

“Not in front of the stars, for they might not

like what they see.”

 

ROMEO

“The only stars I concern myself with

are the ones in thine eyes, and methinks they

like what they see. Good night, good night, my lord!

Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall

say goodnight till it be morrow.”

 

HAMLET _(smiling faintly)_

“Good night, Romeo, ‘till morrow.”

 


End file.
